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I had a dream about Jonne Aaron singing me a new song called ´A Chase´ [no, not ´the chase´ by Kill Hannah], I could hear the song, the lyrics, everything (my mind is strange, how it can make a song :D) and he was singing it with some woman. And in other part of the dream was Tom, my friend, having a pub with three grounds / floors in his house.
After this dream I felt like never before, like if some caring, protecting, gentle arm would spread around me like a shield and all of my troubles, thoughts, everything was released away and only peace remained, it was amazing, esp after I have every two nights a nightmare and I can´t sleep in the new room very well.

But, I made my plans for Finland. I hope I will be able to have everything done this Saturday.
Funny, nobody knows about my plans yet :D
Okey, so I will leave from here on the Saturday 20 September and take a flight to Tampere, stay there for a day or over night (if I have a place to stay) and go straight to Helsinki and stay there until 27 September (because on 26 should be ´Black Roses´ released) and then go back to my lovely family and home in Czech !
Doesn´t it sound beautiful? I guess so! And I will take loads of pics of Helsinki because (I hope I´ll buy the new camera) I will need them for my final essay or how is it called at my school (something around 30 pages :P), yahooooooo.
I should write my finnish family if I can stay at those dates :P
And all of this, my trip to Finland, keeps me up the water, keeps me a bit positive and happy (even though I´m not happy since I left my czech home)
hyvää yötä

PS: Oh yeah Pee, I´m not sadly able to come to Oulu, it´s way too expensive :( I´m so sorri about it but You will enjoy instead of me!

few days ago we had a chance to hear the new songs, two of them and I have to say, they surprised me like nothing else, I know Lauri with blond hair now, but all of this, everything together made me feel desperately sad, as I consider what I experienced through this band, with their old times, and now it´s the new phase and it feels strange, time can´t come back and people either
I´m still in shock about Asa, and I´m very sorry, she will stay in our hearts forever, she was the one who founded TR intl forum and it will stays like that, she was the one who united us
thank You

www.therasmusforum.com

in the new family and everthing went fine, now it´s going to be very interesting to get all the things done... but I´m excited :P

I´m scared, frightened, afraid of tomorrow... I should tell the mom I´m leaving and then stay over night, of this will be adventurous, I started to shake even now, what about tomorrow then?
my nerves is on the run °try to breathe deeply°
pomooooooooooooooooc, apua, hilfe... help :(

everything has to be complicated or at least give me problems

to, ze mam permanentni strach, aby se neco nestalo s mou rodinou, pak taky s tema mejma dobrodruhama v Rumunsku a o dalsi zbytek kamaradu nestaci
do toho jeste, co bude dal s Juhou...
a cim dal vic mi leze na nervy ta mala, dovoluje si desne a pak je desne urazena a pak to bude na me a ne na ni, dneska dokonce chtela, abych jela s nima na dovolenou, to ani kdyby mi jeste za tu dovolenou platili, NIKDY
a do toho vseho, ja uz byla smirena, ze se zacnu balit a ejhle, asi se nikam nepostehuju nebo minimalne ne tento vikend, nova rodina se jaksi odmlcela a ani agentura nevi, co s tim a chteji vedet, jesli mi maj teda hledat jinou rodinu nebo ne
no parada, do toho jeste moje nocni murky [prtz nejsou tak strasidelny] a celkova nepohoda a vysledek... nic se nevyrovna rodinnymu krbu

Petiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hodne stestiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, radostiiiiiiiiiiii a zdraviiiiiiiiii do toho muzes zahrnout taky :P
gratuluju, ze si se dopracovala do takovyho krasnyho veku a posilam pusu


edit: tohle je muj horoskop na patek 4. cervence, a ja se tesila, ze by to mohlo vyjit :l To je vlastne den US neyavislosti, ne?

Risk is not something that you should be afraid of -- especially right now, when there is an exciting opportunity just beyond your grasp. You have to go climbing out on that limb to get it! If you take away a little more security from your life, you will be led down a very exciting path. It might be scary at first, but it will also be exhilarating. There are so many reasons to think positively and be confident about the next few months of your life!

So I´m writing from Grays, Essex, UK finally.
Well I don´t feel well enough to write something but I´ll manage it!

After finding out what is my new family in here like, I decided to move to another family, for me better, to St Albans. If everything goes well, I might be there this weekend already, yay :P
Because I´m simply not happy in here, okey, it´s not my job to be happy but if I have to spend 3 months in here I have to feel better than how I feel right now.
Actually I wanted to move to my new family in 3 weeks time but after yesterday I decided the sooner, the better.
I´m quite scared of the mom, shouting at her own kids, and I´m fed up with the youngest girl, she started to be very annoying like yesterday: "Hug me!" and I said: "No, I will hug You when I want to not when You command me." I understand her why she is all the time annoying and needs attention and is lacking of love but I´m not here to give her what she has never had!

And I found out that even though I understand their English very very well, I need to practise speaking, I always make mistakes and hate it!

On Sunday I have been to London, not much sight seeing yet but we have been to Trafalgar and stuff like this and I have to say: "I miss my Helsinki!", I mean few years ago London meant the center of the entire universe, but not anymore, I caught myself by the thought that I may almost hate London, I mean the city doesn´t mean anything for me anymore, I have no friends there (except You my dear Hanni) and honestly it feels to me like it´s useless to make any friends in here, like I have no good motivation. I always want to explore new countries, people, cultures but I feel stucked in here but on the hand I don´t wanna go back home to Czech either... strange, isn´t it.
I think it´s because of this job, I mean I don´t feel satisfied with job like this, it´s underrated and they just treat You like a servant (palvelja :D), not like in Helsinki with my amazing Finnish family ˙sob˙ So I think if I have normal job or be here as a student, it would be much better (maybe not, who knows), I wouldn´t feel like a slave to anyone, because right now I feel like that due to the fact I can´t leave anywhere else than UK, but hope my holiday in Finland at the end of September will happen and then everything will be okey again.

At least my friends make me happy, Hanni for being here with me, even though in London, I know You´ll get a dream job, no worries!
Pee for doing that well at school (miracles can happen) and going to Oulu which is AMAZING, at least one of us will be living in Suomi for a while!
And yeah, Standa and Tom, especially Tom, my two friends from school. I found out that I miss Tom a looooot, I´m worried about both of them, what if a bear ate them, or Dracula suck their blood, but what´s more, Tom is just a sweetheart! I really love him as a friend, he always makes me feel better and paints a smile onto my face, he cares even though he´s in Romania in the mountains risking his life, oh I miss him and can´t wait to be back at school... weird I know, but at that time this weird dream will end and I will come back to the school reality and my reality.

Now I´m listening to MCR, old albums, esp. Three cheers for sweet revenge (my fave) and it´s great to be back. I put lots of old stuff into my laptop and I watch and listen to it everyday and it´s amazing. I like it a lot. It´s not that I´m reminiscing the old life, it just feels good to know I have some history behind me, like this all reminds me I lived my life somehow in the past so I can built my future on something I have gone through.

Okey, I think it´s enough for now, I know this entry is messy, like all the things I have in my head right now, nothing is on its place and I can´t bare it for too long, I hope it will get better with the new family, because I don´t even remember my dreams, I always got to bed damn tired and wake up unwillingly in the morning by shouting of the kids and mom and during the whole day I feel tired like hell that I barely do what I´m suposed to do here.
No this will change, I will work on it!

Kiitos kaikille for support, I really appreciate it and need it
kisses and hugs

As I felt a bit weird past few days, no happiness from anything what I've done, now, the optimistic me is coming back... yeah, few things didn't work out as I'd like to, but nevermind.
I wanted to do the FCE certificate in London, but it's way too demanding with money and time and plus I don't need it right now, if I ever wanted to apply for a foreign university, I need the certificate 4 years old at maximum.
Today my brother has his 26th b-day, and so we have barbecue, and cakes, and all the sweet staff, it's really nice because of the easy atmosphere and time spent with my whole family which I won't see for few next months...
But still I don't feel like going anywhere, yeah, I'm slightly starting to looking forward my 'trip', but on the other hand, I can't still believe I'm going somewhere until I have my bus ticket (I can't imagine to travel for 24hours in a bus!!! hope somebody nice will be sitting next to me :D).
That reminds me that today, I had to think about Veruuu :P she may be in L.A. already or maybe stay at Paris airport for night... she's brave anyway, but I already miss her :(
Okey, gonna get a cake so hyvää yötä maailmaaaaaaa :D

yep, so here I am... I made it... actually all my exams with the best marsks and what... I feel more than depressed, I feel desperate
yes, I'm supposed to be near London from 23-6 until 23-9 and what... I feel I would kill myself
why I never can be happy at least for a minute? there is always have to be something what ruins it... kill me please (meaning it literally)

*praying for everything*
keeping my fingers crossed, maybe it will be all decided by the end of this week :P

my whole situation gets scary, the last two exams frighten me, because they are last and what if...
and then, the situation about summer, I even get text messages from unknown people O.o
but it's funny on the other hand
and today I found my dream again, not that much different from my old ones :D
so I pray to come true