IRC-Galleria

I believe that we are the sum of time and energy and pure starlight
And this energy which made the world is the same of mankind.
Theres no separation save what separates your mind
And I hope well see this truth as one before the end of our time.
It could change everything.

...more than what I am now, more than love found, more than life lost, more than those who hurt me most, more than my dreams, more than comfortable, more than my hypocrisy, more than my addictions, more than the darkest secrets that are slowly drowning me, more than our struggle, more than always running away, more than the fear that keeps me from leaving, more than religion, more than the religious, more than loneliness, more than my defeat, more than the way my heart pounds when she is near, more than the changing seasons, more than their admiration, more than respect, more than their disapproval, more than what I've worked for, more than what I have found, more than the emptiness, more than guilt, more than each other, more than her smile, more than the shame that never lets go, more than being haunted by my wrongs, more than the new, more than I know, more than goodbye, more than the promises that he'd change, more than our futile efforts to forgive, more than all the tears shed, more than the love that always seems to fade, more than our frailty, more than disease, more than visiting hours, more than her last words, more than they ever thought i could be, more than the love i gave away too quickly, more than the love i held onto for far too long, more than the lies i believed, more than the fields of saigon, more than the machetes of kigali, more than the towers of manhattan, more than the cages of auschwitz, more than our innocence, more than the glimpses of beauty that call us home, more than all the ways we love and hope and bleed and hate and strive...

In the middle of a summer, a lifetime before now, I spent a couple of weeks alone in New York City its the only place Id ever been where anyone could be completely invisible; rich or poor, anonymous, famous Everyones invisible. I was wandering around and getting lost on the trains in the middle of the night. I was broke enough to hate how much more expensive an awful bottle of merlot is on the East Coast than it is back home in Northern California. It was night after night and day after day of chain-smoking and lonely hangovers - too much TV News, eating away at my optimism... I was listening to Bright Eyes and Death Cab albums on repeat, practically wearing holes in my shoes walking up and down the length of that crazy island. Manhattan is about thirteen miles north to south and about two and half miles east to west, roughly thirty-two and a half square miles. Thats nine hundred and six million, forty-eight thousand square feet and I felt like I had stepped all over each and every one of them

Most days I walked from when I woke up in the afternoon until I found my way back to my hotel in the early morning. I always had my headphones blaring my own soundtrack for the taxicabs and crowded sidewalk scenes. All of Central Park danced in perfect time to my playlist. A few times I found myself singing in the dank subway dungeons but not performing Not then I was just mumbling under my breath, counting syllables on my fingers and humming in my head along with instrumental ideas the band had recorded for me to write to before I left home. They say the best way to go unnoticed in a crowd is to look everyone in the eye as you pass them by; The first thing people do when confronted with a strangers glance is look away. Whereas, if you dont see them watching you, if they have time to study you, thats exactly what theyll do Well I tried that trick a lot - so nobody saw me. Nobody saw my eyes tired and stinging, cradled in nests of thick puffy bags of skin. I was using up all the ink in my pens and filling up notebooks and mini-tapes with everything that crossed my mind - most of which was useless - but when you're documenting everything it's only natural that most of what you write would be garbage, junk you amass and collect only to sift through when the dust settles...