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Fear Before the March of Flames - A Brief Tutorial in Bachanalia

http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/fearbeforethemarchofflames/abrieftutorialinbachanalia.html

my life as an alcoholic..

As some of you might already know, I'm dragging behind in my studies 'cos of a little thing called depression.. Well 'cos I haven't been able to meet the requirements for the student allowance (40 credits per year..), my money flow's been cut by KELA.. I sent them the paperwork they asked like month ago and no final resolution has been sent back telling me that I won't be getting money..

Not surprisingly this means that I had to go to social services.. which has been the worst fucking thing so far (well, not including losing my best friend..).. You'd think that KELA and social services would do some cooperation? No, they don't.. Not to mention the fun fact that it's ever so nice to print out two month's worth of account information (from each bank account..) which in my case means a small forest (yes, I pay everything with Visa Electron..)

I filled out the student allowance form online.. and I'm waiting a reply..

Today I'll drop the social services' form to their office's mailbox..

In few weeks, I'll be eating my fingernails (what's left of them) and drinking water.

And yes, I've tried looking for a job.. even applied for one.. but working will only delay everything even more..

So, there..

Happyhappyjoyjoy!

I've felt the autumn slowly creep in.. soon the days will be shorter and we'll enter the period that I hate above all other things that I've come across so far: the dark days of winter and spring.. aka S.A.D. period http://www.ncpamd.com/seasonal.htm

I has teh S.A.D. ..well basically, the diagnosis is your garden-variety depression of the semi-serious kind. BUt I've noticed that my moods change quite a lot depending on the season and weather.

So, the fun days are ahead for yours truly. Just when I'm supposed to catch up on my studies which have fallen badly behind and the outcome is that I probably won't get any financial aid from the government ('student aid' or something in English).. which means that I'll manage with the summerjob wages for some time and then I'll get a job or something. I sent a job application to Itella. The problem is that the job clashes with my Comparative Religion studies.. (concerning world religions ..to be more precise).. Oh happy days, to choose between studies and being able to pay the rent etc. ..and suffering from the worst f-n' period of the year \o/

Luckily, there's my sweet girlfriend to make my life somewhat bearable and my pet bunny who keeps amusing me with his crazy antics :D

(to increase the emo quality, put some Jimmy Eat World or Death Cab for Cutie to the background)

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/outcold/hearyoume.htm

We went to see our new family member yesterday.. our little baby K.. photos will be posted later this year as soon as the little tyke settles in.. cute lil' psycho liked to nibble my toes and use my feet as a scratching post :)

We're waiting for his arrival..

the news tell us every day of people who kill their spouses and children.. abandoned houses that have been burnt to the ground.. paedophiles who hunt innocent kids.. all in all: THE WORLD MAKES ME SICK!
I believe that life is what you make it to be.. by making choices you end up in some situation which you knew perfectly well beforehand (e.g. person A drinks and drives.. person B gets killed ..or.. you know that telling something to your friend will make them sad, so you have the choice to live with the consequences or decide that they can live without knowing the hurtful thing.. e.g. that their new hairdo or dress looks awful).

The reason why I write this is partly 'cos of the Kerava incident where the 18-year-old guy killed an 14-year-old girl. He did this because wanted to get into psychiatric treatment. He knew perfectly well what he was doing and what the repercussions were.. and he still took some innocent girl's life! For fuck's sake.. anxiety is not a valid reason to take anyone's life just so that you get into a psych ward.
One other reason, is that last night during my paper route I came across a burnt 'shed' (the place where garbage disposal cans are stored and to which the mailboxes are usually nailed). There was just steaming charcoal left and the mailboxes were all bent out of shape. It made me think if it had been an accident or an arsonist's 'masterpiece'. What makes people so f*cked up today?

The good or bad thing about working at night is that you have a lot of time to think about various stuff. Like last night I thought about who I would invite to my bachelor party. I came to the conclusion that I need to have bestMEN and bestWOMEN, 'cos there's no way in hell that I can decide who should be 'the one' for the job. There needs to be at least one from men (probably my oldest friend Timo) and one from women (probably Sanna) who cooperate with the participants. Because my friends are almost 50-50 men and women, there will need to be separate sauna turns etc. if nudity is an issue to someone.. Plus, one of the bizarre things will be that I think I'll invite my dad to join the party. He's always been a sort of a friend as well as a parent.. and.. we don't see each other too often.
I could do the same as my friends Rixu&Toni did .. Riika is my friend and Toni is her husband.. the male friends of Rixu went to Toni's bachelor party. My girl-friends could spend the night with the bride at her hen party. It's just that.. she'd need to be friends with them too and include them in the festivities. On the other hand, I'd like to spend time with the people who are close to me.. male or female. I don't know how common it is for ex-somethings to be part of one's life, but I've remained in good terms with them (all three of them).. and they could come to the party if they wanted to. I'd like to meet the girl who would openly accept ex-somethings to her hen party.. or who wouldn't be jealous if they came to the stag party. Her I would admire..

Jealousy leads me to another issue which has been keeping me awake lately.. Having just witnessed the marriage of the two people whose relationship has always been what I would call 'perfect' or 'meant-to-be', I've been thinking about what kind of relationship I would want. The perfect situation would be that we'd love each other, but we both could lead separate lives without jealousy and other negative emotions. Jealousy to me means that you don't trust the other person. In my present relationship, I'd like to think that I could accept if my girlfriend wanted to meet other people. There's a small age difference between us and I wouldn't want to restrict her life before the whole "let's get married and have children" period which we haven't even discussed yet 'cos it's not relevant to a couple that has been together for less than a year :) Considering that we're both pretty new to the whole dating scene, I think we'll just take it nice and slow.
Even though you can see 'Polyamory' in my communities it doesn't mean that I plan to have many girlfriends. I happen to love my girlfriend. I also would like to think that as long as you don't hurt people's feelings you're free to do whatever you want: spend time with people you love as well and have sex with them.. always remembering to practice safe sex. The things you learn from those dates you can apply in your stable relationship(s). I don't consider love to be a countable thing (in fact, it is not a count noun.. one love, two loves..n loves).. It comes down to simple logistics: you can't be in two places at once. That's why you should always treat people in the present tense. The time you spend with them should be the thing that describes what you have: friendship, love affair, random sex etc. I think that in the long run polyamory is a more realistic approach to love than monogamy. I've understood the idea so that you trust the person you're with so much that even if they want to see other people, it won't take away the fact that you two love each other and want to live together. Perhaps you have children or a mutual pet or something else that binds the two of you together.. or you just simply adore the other person too much to let your selfish desires to 'own' a person to come in the way of your relationship's well-being. I think it goes without saying that if you spend too much time together, you'll end up hating the other person. That's why I'd love for the person I'm with to have a life of their own. I can't stand clingy people who smother me and don't let me spend time with my friend's.

So to sum up: she'd need to have a good head on her shoulders, trust for me and us, mutual love and a life of her own.. (and yes this limits my options to women.. sorry, mates.. I love women with real tits and vaginas).

Umm.. there's probably something still missing, but I'll add it in later..

~O~

circa 410e.. after bills and money for petrol (that's "gas" for you Yanks) to me dad.. plus the student loan payment.. I've got about 140e left.. and the next payday's in two weeks..

if only I had time to get hammered, but nooo.. I've got to work on weekends 'cos that's when you really get the decent wages.

all in all.. I iz a happy camper.

huopikselta pöllitty linkki: http://www.xestia.net/testit/persoonallisuus.php
prosentit: ulospäinsuuntautuneisuus 53%, psykoottisuus 30%, neuroottisuus 83% ja valheasteikko 33%.. ->psykoottinen, neuroottinen, lievästi ulospäinsuuntautunut valehtelija -> minä xD

also.. Jukan kuolemasta on tänään kulunut vuosi, tosin mä sain asiasta tietää vast tos 5.7.
the sadness and teh woe :/

sain sittenkin kesäopintotukea!!!111 sen lisäks o parempipalkkainen alue jaettavana 13.7. asti ainakin <3 lomapäivät sovittu Rukiin ajaks (vuorotteluvapaat meni la ja su.. otan sit ma lomapäiväks)..
vittu.. täähä vaikuttaa siltä et täs selviäis hengis kesästä.. eihän se nyt käy lainkaan!!1 pitää olla angstia!!111

aikaa polttareihin pari päivää.. aikaa tyttiksen saapumiseen mun luo pari päivää.. ulkonakin on hieno ilma! xD koita täs ny sit olla synkeä.

ja vitut.. ootte raXxXuja hei kaikki! <3<3<3<3

http://www.twolumps.net/comics/20080618.jpg

William Blake - The Tyger

You know the saying "life flashes before your eyes" when you realize you'll die in a moment or so?
I've started thinking about this saying but in a different way. You might've heard me talking about "premonitions" or "prophetic dreams" before ('enneunet' in Finnish, translating this into English has its problems as you can see).. anyway.. It's beginning to look like the short eventful "flash movie" one sees in the moment of death is not like that in my case.. to me it seems to be different.. A long time ago when I accepted the fact that I was going to die, I also accepted the fact that in a way I am already dead. You can think about this in alternate realities or just time itself not being a linear process but a cycle which has no ending but a new beginning in another cycle(s).. think of a string of pearls where one pearl is one lifetime.. you can focus on just one life or look at the bigger picture where the whole family is in succession, one after other.

And I'm getting sidetracked.. :) anyway, when one dies their life flashes before their eyes.. and it doesn't take more than mere seconds, if even that.. but in my case, 'cos I have to be special and unique (NB! irony), the life I've lived is caught in repeat and the 'flash movie' is happening right now.. the premonitions I have from time to time are, in fact, mere memories of the life I've already lived.. and the "flash movie" is not eventful - it's slow-paced, tedious and uneventful. The audience isn't sitting at the edge of their seat, they're long gone, on they're way back home via the K-Mart of their choice.

The thing why this kind of freaks me out is.. in the dreams I've seen, I'm not with the girl that I love and live with now. In those dreams I'm with some blonde girl who used to work as a cashier at one of the local grocery stores. When I saw her years ago I had one of those "life flashing before my eyes" moments. I froze up, and the glass bottles in our (shop) trolley clashed together and one exploded into pieces leaving a pool of beer in front of the checkout. You can imagine the look on my face and the puzzled look on hers as well, a kind of "Do we know each other?" mixed with shared embarrassment for the broken bottle incident. Anyway, I never got that girl's number.. asked her out or anything.. I haven't seen her since even though she probably lived/lives in the general area (Espoonlahti). I've even expected with some horror to find her among the newbies each year in the university, but so far she hasn't come up.. but if my bad feeling about next autumn is true, it would mean bad things for me and my present lover which would just completely mess up my brain, 'cos it would verify the 'being dead already' thing and I would eventually have to break a good girl's heart, again. Oh yeah, I need to point this out, I hadn't seen that checkout girl before that day and I haven't seen her since.. which makes me even more confused.. am I to fall for her simply because my dreams tell me so?!

BUT, onto another matter.. and this one will be quite long as well, so bear with me. I've understood why J. took his own life. Shortly before the incident (few weeks or so) he told me that he had met one of our old classmates called Mikko Mäkinen. We started talking about how this guy used to be shorter than J. ..back in elementary school that is.. and now this guy is something like 6'4"-6'5" (190-195cm). He was in the same junior high school with us but on one of the other parallel classes. He went to this well-known high school and ended up in Helsinki University of Technology. I guess he succeeded in his studies both in high school and HUT (that TKK in Finnish) and he now works at Nokia. He's been together with his wife (or at least fiancée) for years.. I guess they met each other in high school or HUT. They have their own apartment (or maybe a mortgage-paying deal or something like that), their family's old car.. probably pets as well.. a regular dream-come-true. Mikko's parents are J's old friends of the family because they used to live in the same house back when both children were in kindergarten. The parents are both highly educated and well-paid professional in their chosen careers and good parents of two kids (M. and his older sister.. who incidentally is the same age as J's sister). J's father does the same kind of work as M's father, but is a bit higher on the social scale (some kind of micromanagement bosses.. heads of divisions or something like that). J's mother teaches music to young children at a local elementary school whereas M's mother is some kind of engineer like the fathers. Both moms are very caring and devoted wives as well as mothers. Well, as J grows up he decides to become like his father.. a well-paid engineer at a construction company. The boy works his way through junior high and high school.. and ends up in the same place as M. Unlike his old friend, J. has had a rough few years in junior high because of a congenital spine problem which had to be surgically fixed and he had to wear a plastic corset or a back support. His classmates used to tease him terribly.. and even his best friend couldn't do anything to stop it.. he probably went along not to be bullied.. but he did anyway, 'cos he was shy and sensitive.. had big ears and a funny fuzzy hairdo. His best friend went to another high school and so they saw each other less and less. The boys went to different places after that and as the time came for the military duty the two best friends and the new best friend of his old friend met at weekends and drank a lot. J lived at home with his parents and liked to eat like a grown man. O. ate too, but did not gain weight much like J's father who was quite thin. J gains weight and the scars from his back operation show a bit more than before.. O. begins college in a different town, so the former best friends see each other on weekends few times a month.. meanwhile J. has problems at school.. a loss of motivation, difficult courses.. anyway.. who cares? his friend lives in a different town, he's not collecting any benefits 'cos he lives at home.. years pass.. studies have to gone to hell? he meets his friends at weekends and tells them things are fine, they don't ask anything, they trust him.. Everything's fine, nobody knows except him.. he feels guilty, but can't express it to anyone. After a few years in the HUT people begin to wonder how his studies are going, he tells them something.. they believe him.. he gets a summer job through his father and so he has enough money to do the things he wants and even help out his two friends who study at college.. those damn humanists.. Finally, it's 2007.. he's asked about summer job through the same firm he's worked for earlier.. he tells his friends he'll get a better pay now 'cos he's so advanced in his studies (which is not true).. his parents decide to move to a neighbouring town which means the commute to HUT will become difficult.. his parents help him get a place which is actually quite close to school and his future workplace. Before the summer he meets Mikko who has succeeded in everything he has not. J feels he hasn't done enough in his life.. he finds out he can't get the place at work he's said to his friends 'cos he hasn't enough credits from school. He can get a job that he has done earlier which still pays well. The pressure mounts.. his parents make him feel more guilty? "no, it's not them.. I should just tell them, they'll understand.. but they wanted me out of the house, they sold it without even asking me!?" The parents probably see each other even now.. they all play golf.. M's parents are so proud of their son who has a fiancée, a house, a steady job with a good income.. J's parents tell their son will soon graduate too, not in record time like M. (it took him 4-5 yrs? and the average is 6 yrs?)..
His best friend has had emotional problems as long as he has known him.. he would just worry himself to death because of him, if he told him and asked for help.. and after all.. they're not that close anymore.. he'll continue his life at college.. in the other town.. far away from him. He loves him too much to ask for help even though he knows that he'd do anything to help him like he had before. God knows, he owes him so much for all the times he pulled him back to surface during his darker moments.

It all falls in place. Like pieces of a puzzle. His dad has a gun for target practice. It has been lying around in his apartment earlier 'cos of the moving's in progress, the new place is being renovated.. it'll be ready to move in soon.. they'll all leave him soon.. he won't make it, not when they find out how his studies have gone to shit years ago.. he's a failure.. the male pattern baldness has started few years earlier, the scars on his stomach disgust him.. they made me move with out my permission.. nobody cares.. I love them too much.. fuck them.. Few days before the actual shooting he talks to his friend's best friend and his friend.. casual chitchat.. we'll see soon.. they don't care.. he's not my friend, we just drink together.. he talks to his mother.. yeah, mom, I'll take care of the rent of your new place.. he drives to the new place, picks up the gun and ends it all.. in one quick sudden blow.

---

the police find him few days later when his mom calls his best friend.. frantic, worrying.. and she was right..

---

Few points that I need to _stress_: 1) The events that followed meeting M. were NOT his fault.. M.M. is merely a prime example of what J's dreams were like.. what he was aiming at when he started HUT, what he and our 'generation' see as one of the ideals: a true success story and one of 'us' who were once on the same line.. I have nothing but admiration towards this guy, he was always good to me and J. ..and I'm happy to see he's done well in life :) and I'm just the man who delivered his newspaper last summer. He feels remorse about being one of the last people to have spoken with J. ..even though he shouldn't.. J's eyes brightened up when he talked about M. ..he was proud of him too. 2) The way I wrote this has me putting words into J's mouth.. I last spoke with him online on the weekend before the incident.. and the whole thing is still a bit unclear to me, but the study problems and so on are real.. 3) You should know that on that same year, I did try to "kill" myself by eating all the sleeping pills I had.. and I did make a big deal about it.. which was incredibly stupid in hindsight.. it's just when you battle with depression you don't think straight.. So, with all the problems J. had had before and after the March of 2007 he had to deal with my stuff too..

so, there you see what kind of friend I am..
~O~

It's been about ten days since I last saw my girlfriend.. I haven't eaten really well after that.. I can't say that I actually have an appetite.. not like I had when I was living back home in Turku.. that's right, my home is there, not here.. this place is important to me, I grew up here.. but I chose to leave this place for a reason.. which was that like I've noticed again, these people make me go crazy.. my younger sister annoys the hell out of me and I don't feel like I belong here anymore.. Don't get me wrong I love my family just as anyone else.. but they drive me insane.. I cannot understand those stereotypical Italian men who live with their mothers even when they're in their thirties or forties.. I mean get a fucking life! Learn to cook and wash your clothes.. see the world.. learn a foreign language.. JUST DO SOMETHING!! ..for fuck's sake.. there are six billion people on this planet and in your own village/town/city/counrty you'll meet a ridiculously small number of those wonderful human beings..

Like, huopatukka, who wrote in her blog about how she's pissed off at people who simply don't care about the world and what they're doing to it.. I am too.. the amount of expletives would get me censored in most 'civilized' countries, so I'll just say that.. watch the news.. recycle.. buy your clothes from second-hand stores.. concentrate on what's really important in life: family, friends, life experience, making a difference in your immediate surroundings.. help a stranger on the street find their way to wherever.. show some fucking human kindness for once in your miserable existence.. C'mon, hop to it! It ain't so hard..

This Western way of life is so focused on the material plain that people forget to think about what they can actually take with them when they die.. I keep repeating this same old line from "Fight Club" but I has truth in it: The things you own, end up owing you.. ..If you think the irony in this line ..well.. the person who says it, isn't real.. at least in this reality..
Those who know me may know how I've planned to get few tattoos once I have enough money and balls to get them.. one of these would entail getting the words "In omnia paratus" and "Omnia mea mecum porto" hacked under my skin.. Now, my girlfriend, will probably correct me and say that you really shouldn't ..'cos I've understood them wrong or something.. but the first means "ready for anything" and the second "everything I own I carry with me".. The first appeared in Gilmore Girls as a slogan for the Life and Death Brigade.. and the second comes from Ancient Greece.. one of those old stories about a man who goes on a boat trip and they end up in a horrible storm and people drown clinging to their belongings.. and when he gets to shore, people ask him what did he lose as the boat sank to the bottom.. the man says 'omnia mea mecum porto' (but in Koine Greek of course) ..I've tried to live my life by these codes as best as I can..

We talked about death and dying with my therapist.. a few weeks ago.. and I said that if I died now I wouldn't regret anything I've done.. I've seen the things I've wanted to see.. of course I'd want to travel to far away places etc. but let's face it.. I'll probably never have enough money to do so.. I mean.. when do you have _enough money_? I only regret not saying "I love you" to the people who'd deserve hearing it.. I regret not treating my friends better (everyone at Anglica.. especially Lilli and her friends.. I could've been nicer to them..) ..I regret acting like a fool everytime I was too drunk to know my own name.. and for the times I'll continue to do likewise.. I'm not proud of the times I've flirted with anyone who was/is seeing someone else.. even though it's just flirting to me.. somewhere along the line.. somebody could get hurt..
All in all, I don't fear death.. I wait for it.. I've accepted the fact that my friends and I will die someday.. but what we do now, how we treat the people now.. what kind of an impression we leave in the minds of others.. will determine how well we have lived our lives.

Again, this became longer than I originally intended..
Enjoy the summer,
Your enlightened boddhisattva,
~O~