Unspoken rules of bar Lauantai 01.12.2007 22:20

1.Have your money ready when you come to the bar. Be prepared. Know what you are ordering, and have sufficient money to cover that.

2. Do not make us wait for you to find correct change when there is a bar full of people waiting.

3. Give us your entire order all at once. DO NOT order one drink at a time.

4. Do not argue with us. EVER.

5. Do not order a pot, then change your mind to a pint after i have poured it and put it infront of you. Same with short glasses and tall glasses.

6. DO NOT ask for free drinks. I don't care if it's your birthday.

7. DO NOT make conversation with us when we are busy.

8. Do not half order. Do not say you want a "pot". A pot of what? We are not mind readers.

9. If you are travelling interstate, learn your beer size terminology. I will not accept "schooner" or "middy" as a legitimate order. A pot or a pint. A "big one" or "little one" if needed be.

10. Do not ask how many millitres are in each of the glasses, and try and calculate whether it is more economical to buy a pot, pint or jug at the bar. Work it out in your own time cheap skate.

11. DO NOT complain if i ask your for ID. Especially if you are 21 or under. YOU ARE NOT THAT OLD.

12. DO NOT make the "TAXI" call when a glass gets broken. It's completley un-original and totally unfunny.

13. When i am collecting glasses, only hand them to me if they are out of reach. I appreciate the gesture, but handing us a wine glass when we have two full stacks of pot glasses is not going to be helping us out. If you want to be helpful, sort your glass types into groups and stack your pot glasses together on the table. Or better still bring your glasses back to the bar!

14. Avoid drunkenly ordering a vodka lemon lime and soda. Was that a vodka lemon lime, or a vodka lime and soda?

15. DO NOT attempt touch or steal bar equipment.

16. Learn to pronounce ASAHI!!!!

17. Do not call a vodka orange a Screwdriver. Or any other "spirit and mixer" drink by another name for that matter.

18. a) Do not approach the bar whilst talking on your mobile, and then look up from it, wondering why i am ignoring you.
b) However, If you happen to a call whie i am serving you, DO NOT make me wait for your money while you finish your shitty conversation. I have things to do, and i don't want to hear your shitty directions to the bar either. Which are always wrong, by the way.

19. When paying by card, DO NOT make EFTPOS machine related jokes, ie: Savings? More like SPENDINGS! Oh ha ha. Or Cheque? Better CHECK if there's any money in it! Ha.. ha ha ha... ohh shutup.

20. When we decide to cut you off, we are not discussing it with you... we are telling you. And if you are arguing, I can assure you our manager will agree with us.

21. Stop apologising for handing over large note denominations.. like we had NO IDEA that somebody may choose to pay with a $50 note over the course of the evening!

22. And no, the bucket we run the beer into when we've changed kegs is not yours.

23. If I tell you i don't have a name, do believe me. It will be for your own good.

24. In the hierachy of drink orders... GUINNESS IS ALWAYS FIRST!

25. DO NOT adopt a "customer is always right attitute" with staff. Your drunk, you're wrong.

26. Don't complain when we fill your glass with ice. No we are not skimping you on alcohol and/or precious postmix, it makes the drink taste better.

27. Unless you have some kinda hypersensitivity to cold things, DO NOT order a mixed drink without ice. You look like a bum drinking what looks like something that's been sitting there for hours.

28. DO NOT mix any spirit you paid upwards of $9 for with COKE!

29. Don't EVER wave me down and turn your back to me and ask your party what they want. I WILL WALK AWAY FROM YOU. Have your order ready, before you wave me down.

30. If you are an old woman/man waiting to be served while i am ID'ing some younger folk, DO NOT ask if i am going to ID you too. It's not funny, unless you really want me to confirm that you look like a crusty old bag.

31. DO NOT ask if i know where the toilets are. No, i don't sorry. I've just been pissing in this empty tequilla bottle.

32. When the bar is empty, chairs are up, and i'm mopping the floor, please avoid this conversation.
C- "Are you still open"
C-"Are you serious?"

33. DO NOT order simple drinks like you think i may not know what your talking about. I've heard it all, trust me.

34. If I am reading your order back to you, it doesn't mean i need you to read it back with me. If i have it right, say yes. Wrong, say no and which drink i misheard.

35. a) Avoid "Price Shock". Price shock is where I tell you the price, and you take a step back and shout that price back at me. I don't control the prices. If you don't have much money on you, it's probably best you stay away from spirits and boutique beers.
b.) If you need to have Price Shock tightass, discuss your outrage quietly amongst your friends, for I and the customer waiting next to you to you already know that it is more expensive to drink out than it is with your slab of Bundy cans at home.
c.) After lecturing/screaming at me for 10 minutes and/or refusing to pay, do not start on the "Look I know it's not your fault but..." But what? Why are you still talking?!

36. If I've cut off you're friend DO NOT buy them alcohol and try to hide it from me! I am not that stupid. I will notice, and I will cut you off too!

37. Acknowledge the invisible "personal space wall" that runs through the middle of the bar. I do not cross it to invade your space, and you do not cross it to invade mine. I will only to cross it to remove your empty glasses, and you or your belongings will not cross it at all.

38. Holding your $20 note out between your middle and index fingers over the personal space wall with a pathetic deadpan look on your face is not going to get you service. Nor will whistling, clicking, "hey, hey, hey-ing", or ordering at me while I'm pouring someone elses drink. I can see you standing at the bar. It will eventually be your turn and when it is, we will perform a simple human interaction called EYE CONTACT!

39. if you have ordered 2 very different drinks, for example a glass of wine and a coke, DO NOT, when presented with the first one, ask 'is that the wine?' No, it's napalm death. Get out.

40. DO NOT tell me the value of the note as you are passing it over the bar. I have eyes twat face, and If you order another drink it will be spiked with something! (hahahahaha!)

41. DON"T order drinks and then when i have poured them for you walk away from me to greet some idiot friend of yours asking them a million questions when I am waiting patiently for you to come back and pay me - pay me for the drinks first Moron then go talk to your loser mate.

42. DON"T get protective over the last few millilitres of fluid in your glass, DO NOT sit there and watch me take your empty (yes, read EMPTY) glass, and let me walk away before beer-fuddled brain kicks into action and decides that last shot of warm saliva would be really tasty. Give it up. Your drink is over.

43. If you come to the bar and order half a dozen drinks including shots, mixers and cocktails, for f*cks sake say please whilst ordering or at least thank me when I've produced them all correctly and in double quick time!" doesn't hurt to be bloomin' polite!

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