IRC-Galleria

The Night Before Christmas 2006

By Randy Gage

(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

TÂ’was the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq, The
soldiers were huddled, and under attack. Back in the capital,
the White House was quiet; Kind of makes you wonder, why there
wasnÂ’t a riot.

But the story was the same, all round the nation; The natives
were spellbound, flipping the stations. The remote was gripped,
in their chubby hands with care, In hopes that reality shows
soon would be on air.

They laid back in the recliner, zoned into the box; For
Springer, “Fear Factor,” and anything on FOX. They had no time
for reflection or critical thought; Of the despair and
destruction their warmonger had wrought.

The trial of Saddam was wrapped up in Old Glory; So no one would
notice the holes in BushÂ’s story. Danger alerts were upgraded to
ominous heights, So the herd would willingly give up their
rights.

When out on the lawn, arose such a racket; I jumped from my bed,
and grabbed for my jacket. I ran down the staircase, to the
ground floor; Just in time to see Santa, breaking in my door.

“Hey Pal,” I called out, “Didn’t you read the book? You’re
supposed to come down the chimney, in ashes and soot.” “Well”,
he explained as he pointed to his belly; “That was before I
expanded to a wheelbarrow full of jelly.

“Cinnabon, Krispy Kreme, and what about stuffed crust? I’ve been
trying to diet, but itÂ’s been a great bust. I read Aktins,
Protein Power, and also The Zone; McDougal, and Pritiken, and
yet IÂ’ve still grown.

“That’s why I’ve got this piped clamped in my teeth; And the
smoke curling round me like a new Christmas wreath. That last
time I quit smoking; I gained so much weight; My arteries were
blocked, and my cholesterol tempted fate.

“You think this job is easy, working only once a year? What do
you think will happen, if they find out IÂ’m queer? Falwell, and
Haggard would pull the knife from the sheath; And doom me to
Hell, with great gnashing of teeth.”

“But wait a minute, “ I sputtered, “You can’t be Gay; You have
to be straight—it’s the American way.” “Oh come on,” he replied,
“who else but fruits... Wear red velvet, fur collars, and black
leather boots?

“You must be clueless, or living on Saturn… Look at my reindeer,
did you not notice a pattern? If you think Dasher and Prancer,
are names for a boy; You should be drinking eggnog with Sigfried
and Roy!”

Shocked and dismayed, my head it was aching; Feeling quite weak,
my legs they were quaking. “Aren’t you done here? Can’t you move
on next door? I’ve got my fill, I can’t stand any more”

“Well no,” he replied, “I hate to sound comic; Next door gets
nothing, because theyÂ’re Islamic. IÂ’ve made out my list, and
I’ve checked it twice, You aint a Christian—you’re lower than
lice.

“Peace to all mankind, and goodwill to you, Unless you’re a
Hindu, Buddhist, or Jew. We spread the gospel, and we tell it
well; Side with us now, or you’ll end up in Hell.”

“But wait,” I cried out, “that just isn’t right...” He kept on
walking, away from my sight. He whistled for reindeer, and they
pulled up out front; He climbed into the sleigh, with a guttural
grunt.

He reached on the dash, where some CDs were strewn Inserted a
disc, with a Broadway show tune. Santa looked back at me, and
said with a yell; “Convert ‘fore it’s too late, or burn up in
Hell.”

I bolted upright, and woke up in a sweat; Was it just a
nightmare that hadnÂ’t happened yet? The ghost of Christmas
future, or just my imaginationÂ… The destiny of mankind, or a
wicked aberration?

Whatever happened to ole Silent Night? And loving one another,
doing whatÂ’s right? All races all beliefs, in this world we
belong, IsnÂ’t it possible that we all get along?

-RG

I wish you a holiday season of joy and love, and a happy,
prosperous and healthy 2007. Please pray for peace.

Legal Notice: This holiday greeting and wishes for a Happy New
Year is extended from me ("Wishor”), to you (“Recipient”),
subject to the following terms and conditions:

This greeting is extended without obligation, implied or
implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, politically correct, gender neutral,
celebration of the secular summer solstice holiday only. Any
similarities to religious and/or national holidays is purely
coincidental.

This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions
of the religious beliefs of your choice, or secular beliefs of
your choice, regardless of sexual orientation or operating
system preference. However, such acceptance by the recipient
does not imply any endorsements or consents by the Wishor.

My wishes for your emotional state, financial success, and
freedom from disease apply to the generally accepted calendar
year 2007. Any other calendars of choice from other cultures or
sects are subject to availability.

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal,
is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and is non
transferable. The Wishor implies no promise to actually
implement any of the wishes. The extent of the holiday spirit
experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into
it. The claims described are for illustration purposes only.
Your results may differ. These statements have not been approved
by the FDA.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law. Any litigation
arising from this greeting will be adjudicated in the
jurisdiction of Miami-Dade County, Florida. “Christmas” “God”
and “Jesus” are registered trademarks of the Amway Corporation;
all rights reserved.


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