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I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close ~Pablo Neruda

This is one of my most favorite quotes of all time. I stumbled on it again tonight while browsing Tumblr. I am a quotes collector. I also love tumblr for a lot of bdsm pictures and quotes.. I always collect ones or post ones that hold a deep meaning to me. If you could read my tumblr.. you would know what's in my heart and mind. Most know the same goes for me with music. I often listen to music and songs that reflect what I cannot say myself. Music and dancing have always been an escape for me. My girlfriend and I were talking about getting back into dancing. She really wants to do a cardio dance/pole dancing class.. It's a dance class that does both dancing and pole dancing. Sounds uhm..interesting but I am game. I am intending to push myself to new experiences this year.

I did something today that surprised myself and something I been delaying doing. I am not going to go into detail but it was therapeutic. I am proud of myself.

I was supposed to head to Vegas tomorrow but as I stated many entries back.. my girlfriends family came down so we postponed. We were talking today (me and my three gfs met today for coffee) and decided to just go ahead and plan a cruise instead. I already dislike winter lol. I think we are planning mid January. You can get really good last minute deals. It was just going to be my gf and I but now there is 4 of us going, all girls.. Will be more fun I think. They were asking my opinion on ships. As I have cruised often. They want a ship with a lot of fun stuff to do, Lido parties ect.. So it's Carnival. I told them I would look into itineraries and get back to them with the options so I am doing that tonight, research.

Not being owned anymore it's kinda odd to adjust to making my own choices and decisions and be the one in control of my own mind and body. I still enjoy the Pascal video's and have watched a few and found a new found interest in them lol. I have written many stories as well. I still write and research my submissive learning. I have found a deeper level of submissive side to myself through this research and writing. It's been eye opening and very much a self discovery to why I do/did the things I do. What I should do better.. How to better communicate ect.. as well getting in tune with my own mind...and body.

How do you cool your lips, after a summer's kiss?
How do you rid the sweat, after the body's bliss?
How do you turn your eyes, from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere?

This song is just incredible..Insensitive by Jan Arden.. I always loved this song... I know I love many songs lol. I took advantage of the boxing day sales today. I found a microwave...then I hit the mall. I bought some new clothes and some makeup.. then I bought way too many new bra and panties set..few stockings and a garter belt lol. Just to spoil myself :)
I am feeling so much better today than I was last night before bed.. Good nights sleep helped.. I am so thankful Christmas is over.. I had zero spirit this year. Now I am ready for normalcy … whatever that looks like now.. Think I am going to go relax in a hot bath with my tea and candles. I work tomorrow, only few hours then I am meeting up for quick coffee.

Oh, my friend here SS wrote something about me in his journal that made me feel really good said "My online friend from this site is going to have a nice day from what I can see and I'm happy for her too. She is a hottie. She sent me a couple of pics (I am editing to add, G rated, a fully dressed Christmas picture lol) and although she is hurting a bit from a breakup, little does she know she's got it all. Heart, body, and soul. I think she'll have a great year in 2019. I hope I have 1/2 as good a year as she will have.

SS..thank you for the such sweet words in your journal about me. You been a god sent lately to me and I truly appreciate you and am thankful we've become friends :) and you are right.. Next year will be our year. We will both find happiness.

Have a wonderful evening all <3

I managed to get through the appointment and feeling bit better in that area. I am home now for the day. I had other things to do but I just can't manage. I did manage to do the things I mentioned in this mornings journal about the websites I needed to hide his profile It hurt so badly. I cried. It's such a crappy day out, gloomy and cold so I am staying in and doing things around here. I am beyond exhausted both physically and emotionally. I made a big dinner yesterday but didn't eat any. Nor anything else yesterday and now today. I just can't stomach food at the moment. My head is pounding. I've taken Tylenol, hopefully helps.. I have been crying off and on all morning. My puppy doesn't react well when I cry, He has to be on me..trying to figure out why and doing what he can to help. Knowing I am hated is such a reminder of growing up with a mentally ill mother who hated me. From birth, til her death.. She tortured me making sure I knew she hated me. Now knowing he hates me is very similar in pain. I live every day to be a good person and make people happy. If two of the people I have loved most in my life hate me..maybe I am not as good a person as I thought. I do try but I have faults. I am glad nobody is home. I don't have to pretend I am ok for awhile.

I decided to write a final letter to him.. I am not sending it to him and I am certain he doesn't read here anymore, especially after this weekend. I am writing this for myself..so I can put my feelings out there without disturbing him any further. Anyways.... To anyone reading this, please don't send judgemental emails to me..nobody knows the love we had, only we understood it.

I am typing through a stream of tears and I really don't have a goodbye planned. I never really did.. I never thought we would end and the email I sent when I left..was full of hurt and anger from my inability to get you to see how I was feeling. How I was suffering. I really thought we were invincible. We were soulmates. We said it numerous times. You were my best friend, my strength, my confidant, the love of my life. You were there through milestones in my life this past year. You supported me and gave me strength to get through anything I had to face and shared the joy with me through happier times. I turned to you in every aspect of my life and you were the one I wanted to turn to. Our relationship was never flawless..we had our issues...because our intensity and connection were off the charts. We had so many laughs and so many tears but I really never imagined my one true Dominant and the man I loved more than any other in my life wouldnt be my forever.. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. It was ALWAYS supposed to be you, from the moment we met. This is why this hurts so much. This isn't the way our life was written to be. I slipped in my submission so much at times and I know there were times it seemed non-existent. When I was sick, you were sick or we had really stressful issues but it hadn't..despite the issues we were facing, I never had a doubt for a moment who owned me. I never for a moment didn't feel submissive towards you. That never once faded, as you said it had the past two months. My stories slipped....to you....they did.. I was working on a huge Christmas gift for you. It took a ton of time and lots of creativity and effort and not a day went by I didn't work on it, sometimes til 1-2am..... I shouldn't have taken the time you granted, I should have just worked on my stories and sent them but I was so worried I would not finish by Christmas. I worked on the story you knew I was..but such effort was going to my Christmas gift.. because I wanted you to know how loved you were..Maybe had I told you, you wouldn't have seen it as my submission slipping. I wanted it to be a surprise. It backfired on me. I put 110% of me in every task, every assignment I had even if it was beyond my comfort level. I took my submission seriously. I thrived on being owned by you. Now, I am lost. I am so sorry you felt it slipped and I did nothing to prevent that :( I am also sorry the way it ended.. I tried that whole week to talk to you. You just didn't want to talk about it. I get it..you have a stressful life. I shouldn't add to it..But my feelings are important.. I tried SO hard to talk before I just broke. I needed my Dom..He had a way of yanking me back into place with mere words. He could put me into such a submissive state, unlike anyone ever has. I needed that. I needed Him. I needed him to hear me, validate me and then put me back on my path. I know I was sick with pneumonia for awhile and you lightened our ds to take stress off me but in all honesty, I wish I hadnt that's a detriment to our relationship, the type of man you are, the Ds has to be front and center at all times. I feel more secure when it's always in front. After this weekend.. it's the first day I don't feel "owned" anymore and jesus it's a drop unlike any other. I wish I hadn't sent that email. I truly do..I wish we could fix this and find us again and keep us on path but I know you are done, I know you hate me. Probably more than you hate your "roomie"... I don't blame you. I don't think too highly of myself and this pain is brutal. I made a mistake. I should have found another way to get my feelings heard. I thought you ignored the email from the Friday before and I felt disregarded, now I know you didn't see it and it makes me feel all the worse. I can't fix it..
I am sorry I never got to send the Christmas gift, you never got to see it..you would have known how deeply my love and submission was.. It took me 2 months to work on. I put my heart and soul into it. Please just know my submission never wavered, I always felt submissive to you and owned by you. I hope whomever replaces me as your submissive.. She's all I couldn't be..and more. You deserve it. I'll miss you..and us.. and I will miss the submissive I was becoming under your guidance. You were my one true Dominant and my one and only soulmate

Love always and forever