IRC-Galleria

"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."

Denis Leary

Well the year changed. And the world didn´t. Nothing will be different when I wake up in the morning. Or at least nothing will have changed for the better. It can always be worse, and, in time, it will be. I still hope that for the rest of you the upcoming year, will be a fortuituous one. I have only one thing to look forward to... the one thing upon which I have placed my last hope of reaching happiness. I dear not say what it is, because I fear that if I say it, it won´t come to pass. So I´ll just wait... and hope. Fortune and luck have abandoned me long ago. But I still must hope. Otherwise my existence will truly become pointless...

On thursday I got myself a permit to drive a car. I can honestly say that I do feel relieved, but not particurally excited or even happy. Now with a car I can move around more freely.... to do what? To go to concerts that last to the middle of the night and get myself back home. And what if I in the ned don´t really enjoy going to concerts? What if the few times that I´ve been in such events are because someone has dragged me there or I have simply felt so lonely that I could a social environment for a change? And when the social environment turns on me for no reason at all, what will I learn? To stay away from people for a little while. But as humans are made to be somewhat social, I will always feel compelled to go back among the people. But I´m getting ahead of myself. What other possible uses do I have for a car? As public transports cost about the same amount of money, that the gas would cost. Well at least it´s done now, and some people will get off my back.

Once again I feel alone in the same way which I felt before the November 19th. After that I could feel that I was some social good to someone. Not anymore. Once again I´m out of everybody´s sight, when not needed.

I watched a candle die tonight. It was quite pleasing to see what actually happens to it when it dies.... the root sort of melts a bit so the heart starts to wither like a dying leaf in the northern wind. And then the heart starts to bend. Swallowing the base of the small flame and eventually suffocating it. When the last ray of light dies, there´s five seconds of complete darkness. Then you see the rest of the world again. The difference between that and death is that the rest of the world doesn´t come back when you die.

Other thing that I happened to notice was that the world is apparently so thoroughly consumed by bitterness and selfishness that people see deception in honesty, and respond to benevolence and selfesness with accusations and insults.... It´s kind of a sad fact. My faith in showing empathy is fading once again. It doesn´t pay apparently.

It´s a time of joy
For the people there
Banished like a toy
I can see nowhere

I watch them smile
While all I can do
Is walk the sad mile
Until I meet my doom

I hear them laugh
And I simply can´t join
I kneel and cough
Cold even in my loin

I feel completely nothing
Not even sadness or hate
In my mind only the thing
Being far, sealing my fate

Welcome to my cold life
Aeons of pain, loneliness
All things stay far and safe
Here is me, a sad mess

I´ve seen the light leave
Beheld a bird´s last fly
I sometimes fall to grieve
While seeing all hope die.

Well what do you know, I survived to see another christmas. If you ask me, the entire holiday ought to be defenestrated. But then again that´s just me. Everyone have a good time and a few laughs at least and feel the magic of christmas if you will. I know I won´t. Have your fun without me. I´ll just burrow myself into a crevasse of sorts and try to outlive this holiday. Merry christmas from all of us to all of you.

Today I could say I had a good day. Propably the best of days since my soul vanished into the abyss of pain and woe. I haven´t found it yet and I don´t wish to. I don´t need it. And I´m not saying I´m in pain or even confused. Experience has simply molded me to my current form. And I wish not to change that. I want to be alone, not lonely. That is, if I had to choose one from those two. But for the first time in a time that feels like spending an eternity in a hurricane´s motionless eye, I felt the one thing for a while which I have been without. I could propably name an ocean of people who wouldn´t see that as much, but I do. They say that one can appreciate life only when they really have feared death. To put it in a more usable form to this case : People are thankful of life when they are close to losing it or have lost it for a while (so to speak). The same can apply for this. I´ve tried my best to build a nation from walls around me in order to block myself from social actions anything stronger than dialogue. I have realised that my fight is in vain, and in the end even unhealthy. There´s no need to stop breathing fresh air and living a somewhat satisfying life as long as I remain loyal to my word. My thanks to Galadriel for this. She has a way of putting things to perspective.

Hahaa! Tuplad´s mother said today that my make-up looks better than his. Am I proud of myself today or what?

Damn it´s cold out there.... it´s beautiful and all when the world is covered in snow, but it doesn´t feel too nice when my bone marrow starts to die of frost. Anyone care to take pity of an old and cracking soul that withers in the cold?

Hear my soul crack
See my spirit die
Feel my frozen back
Know that I must fly

Don´t ever let me thaw
Keep my body frozen
Eat my organs raw
It´s me you´ve chosen

Drain me of my blood
Make me a rotting corpse
Unexistant like God
Without strength or force

When there´s nothing more
But a dry cracking mass
In the crevasse of gore
Forget and make me pass.

In the dark sky
I see a distant star
No bird can fly
That high, that far

It blinks in the dark
A lonely dying candle
As if making a mark
To which I must handle

Then the clouds come
And the star dies
Leaving me on the run
Can´t see my skies.

Obviously I´ve had a.... disresourceful day. And a biology exam tommorrow and I´m still not sleeping. Self destructive, anyone? Or plain foolish? Well at least at this point of my life I can feel that my existence makes some difference for the better. And grow my confidence in my empathy that way. My thanks to Galadriel for that.