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-Once you have loved someone, you'd do anything in the world for them... except love them again.
-I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses
-There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged.
-My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there
-I see your face when I'm dreaming... That's why I always wake up skreaming...
-Sex without love is an empty experience,but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-The bravest thing that men do is love women.
-To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
-Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
-Women are like ovens: it takes time for them to get warmed up.
Men, on the other hand, are like microwaves: you push one button,
and they're ready to go!

-Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
-The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Miksi naiset hierovat silmiään aamulla herättyään?
- Koska heillä ei ole munia, joita rapsuttaa.

- Isä, minkä takia sinä menit naimisiin äidin kanssa?
- Katso nyt, isä kääntyi vaimoonsa päin, Edes lapset eivät voi käsittää sitä!

Poika tuli itkien kotiin ja sanoi:
- Äiti, isi tappoi meidän kissan!
- Tiesithän että se oli pakko tehdä, koska kissa ei olisi enää parantunut
ja oli vanhakin.
- Kyllä, mutta se lupasi ensin, että minä saan tehdä sen!

Nainen huusi kadulla tapaamalleen poliisille:
-Ottakaa tuo mies kiinni! Hän ehdotteli minulle siveettömiä!
-Rauhallisesti, rouva, kyllä vielä voi löytyä toinenkin ehdottelija.

Äidinkielenopettaja tarkasti ainekirjoituksia. Aiheena oli ollut: Urheilukilpailut
Eräs ainekirjoitus kokonaisuudessaan:
- Peruutettu rajuilman vuoksi.

- Estin eilen yhden nuoren naisen joutumasta ahdistelun uhriksi.
- Mitäpä sinä oikein teit?
- Hillitsin itseni.

- Oletko kuullut, että New Yorkissa on yli 30 miljoonaa rottaa?
- Sellaisia amerikkalaiset ovat, sen sijaan, että ottaisivat ne
hengiltä, he laskevat ne.

-Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.
-It is only too true that a lot of artists are mentally ill- it's a life which, to put it mildly, makes one an outsider. I'm all right when I completely immerse myself in work, but I'll always remain half crazy.

-Stupidity is evil waiting to happen.
-May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
-How much of human life is lost in waiting.
-Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
-Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. Faith may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.
-Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.
-Too many people go through life waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen!
-Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Ritari ja hänen joukkonsa palasivat linnaan pitkän ja raskaan
taistelupäivän päätteeksi.
– Miten pärjäsimme, kysyi kuningas?
– Teidän ylhäisyytenne, olemme ryöstäneet, polttaneet ja hävittäneet
puolestanne koko päivän läntisten vihollistenne kaupunkeja, ritari vastasi.
– Mitä ihmettä? kuningas huudahti. – Eihän minulle ole vihollisia lännessä!
– Aijaa... vastasi ritari. – No nyt on.

Kaverukset istuivat drinkeillä töiden jälkeen.
– Pidän uudesta puvustasi, tokaisi toinen.
– Kiitos, vastasi toinen. – Sain sen yllätyslahjaksi vaimoltani.
Tulin eilisiltana kotiin aikaisin. ja löysin sen tuolin selkämykseltä
makuuhuoneesta.

Lama-aikana kauppa houkutteli asiakkaita erikoistarjouksillaan.
- Miten voitte myydä lihaa näin halvalla? asiakas ihmetteli.
- Olemme leikanneet henkilökuntaa, kauppias vastasi.

– Tiedätkö, mihin papukaijamme on hävinnyt? nainen kysyi mieheltään.
– Luulen tietäväni, koska ihmettelin miksi kissa puhuu, mies vastasi.

-Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
-We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-He who teaches children learns more than they do.
-I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.
-When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.

-A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.
-Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it.
-I could easily be a hero, were it not for the physical and mental pain
involved
-We've always been ready for female superheroes. Because women want to be them and men want to do them."
-When you get a little older, you'll see how easy it is to become lured by the female of the species.

-I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
-I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?
-No matter how cynical I get I just canÂ’t keep up.
-Never play poker with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
-If you lend someone 20€, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
-Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
-I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.
-This could be entertaining, meaning embarrassing.
-You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.
-I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
-If you are completely buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and spit in it. The saliva will fall down, giving you an idea of which direction is up. Dig up.
-"Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion?"
"I was sober."
-You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
-After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
-There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.
-I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff.
-"We've done a terrible thing."
"Yes, if only there was some magical liquid that could erase bad memories..."
-Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
-It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
-Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I...
-I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
-If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
-It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
-You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
-You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
-You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

-Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired
-If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give
-I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question
-Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
-Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
-Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
-God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night...
-These days you must be feeling tired and your legs must be paining...Dont worry,...Its only because you´ve running in my mind day and night!