IRC-Galleria

Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered
to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree,
there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady
bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the
sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh
raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of
Christopher Robin.
"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down
once more.

There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had
hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was,
didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he
had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.
"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to
himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the
hole, finally covering it up with the rug.
"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by
the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are
silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little
shorts - bastard!"



Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming
a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and
fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up,
squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had
answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then
went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there,
prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little
brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought
it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it
virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces
upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh,
could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his
mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the
blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.

Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have
his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired
the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched
him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.

Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his
skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide.
He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always
licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The
syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and
sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white powder that had
been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect
at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange things, but then
experienced a euphoric feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R.
and Piglet had everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When
night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a
makeshift grave.



"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around
the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.

The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see
if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since
yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet
yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.

When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere
to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large
hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob
of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of
Pooh's strong points).



"That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood
only heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?"

Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment.
That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty
nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while
later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked
insecticide in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyore's
favourite patch of thistles.
"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud,
"always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself.
Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyore eat himself to
death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body
of Eeyore in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet.
"Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyore's eyes stared with
disbelief. "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you
to Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave
over.



Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced
out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood
and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and
Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun,
fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".
"'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of
this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to
think, they released the sound-track album on cassette and CD; a lot of
people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat,
but the respite was brief.

"What was that you said?", asked Roo.
"God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought
furiously. "I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there
no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked
despairingly."

Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon
sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that
himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea
formed in his overactive brain, and agreed.
"What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the
innocent Tigger to the bridge.

Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under
way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather
than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the
bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin
as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of
pushing the stupid cat into the stream.
"Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."



There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as
his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to
the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was
joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.

"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold,
which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger? How absolutely silly.
"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right,
hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people."
Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream
face down in the water, dead. "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at
his watch. "Still time to get that little dick-head Roo before he wakes up."

Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out
of her pouch.
"Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a
needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing
lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he
would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him.
So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and
thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh
made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death
of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt
general nausea overcome him.

By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very
desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up
the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount,
one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh
died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming
that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he
surprised Eeyore one day - but that's a story for another day.



THE END