kun pää käskee juosta, minä kipitän.... muutaman metrin

Mikis life ballad - prt 1Perjantai 14.03.2008 16:52

I feel it at school. I have no idea how can that kind of pain come out when they reach near me. I try avoid, I try not to think, try to tell myself that I am stronger than them, why to let them take a control of me. I mean, who needs it?
Hating people if my way to live, like Vegeta, my dad and my fiance are one part of who I am. It doesn't take anything back from me, it just has so much to give me. After I hate long, I forget it and forgive people. It's my way. When I was in junior high, I was the one they bullied and called by names( slut bitch.lesbion, Fucking ugly etc. ). This one girl did it in front of class and like a army of Hitler they were with her applauding and laughing at me. However, that was long time ago and so horrible and sad story that I don't even want to write about it. It seems like I find something being wrong where ever I am schooling. What is the reason? Why do I always seem to get in some troubles? Could I find answer from inside me? Am I actually making them? Might it be because I am so strong inside and have so many talents and files inside me that it is actually annoying them? What about the ones who don't tease me? Do not they care? or is it kinda same for them if they don't know me. I know what I am and I know how am I going to get over all the bad things has happend to me. I lost my dad long ago. I never met him even I wanted to. My mother refused to tell about him to me till I was enough old. In these days she says that she was dumbed so many times at the time I was born that she didn't want my dad to leave her too and disappoint his daughter with it too. I am not quite so sure did father want to stay and see me and know what am I going to be like. I really wonder. People are thinking that am I okey with myself if I hate so many people. I have an answer for them. I don't hate anybody without a reason, if they haven't DONE anything to me. Good enough reason seems to be even if the person angers me, with personality or something that he/she does just to make people like them. I hate peolpe like that, who cannot be able to be their selfs. It is very weak. Being strong is that you can be your self and show it. If you think that shit tastes good and others say that it is bad then if you say what you really think then it's right. Who cares what other people think of you. I don't really care. Not anymore. Because I noticed that being typical, and mean, I didn't have friends. It wasn't really me. I hated the people. When I showed my true feelings, and true me they understood me better and I got some friends. I am not shy. I can talk to people, go to new places with no friends around me, I will always have somebody near anyway. I've got use to make starts alone and with pride.
I have my lovely fiance Nora. I met her couple of years ago. It was like faith. We met 1 year ago in net, and then again after year, PUM we were together. She lives very far away from me and the messenger is almost our only way to see. We talk in phone, we textmessage and see each other. Seeing is difficult because it eats so much money to travel and when she comes here she wants to buy something also. She doesn't come here only for shopping, of course she wants to see me too but shopping is one part of women nature don't you think? -- people are guessing is our relationship only like being friends who are together but it is sex also I can say. It's not impossible at all. if you love someone the loving finds the ways of love making. we love each other and are going to live together some day. It won't be a problem when our parents are just fine with us and happy to see us.
My life is not very easy always. It has been very hard right from when I was only a little child. Mother wanted to protect me, but it is impossible to try protect me from getting troubles or bullied. I wish that when the 10th grade is over I am gonna get peace in my soul and life and I wish I don't need to see those dummies ever, never again. I deserve to get it after 10 years.

The one they ignore..
The one they want to leave.
The one always play alone.
The one they didn't understand that they do hurt.
That one person one or two noticed.
Hey she is not so bad.
The ones made her smile.
The ones gave her honor and proud.
She didn't play alone, mean while.
The school was denying her existing.
She will move on.
Somebody will love her and take her home.
The others die and have pains in their grave.
No-one take her down.


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