IRC-Galleria

smth strange is happenin to me - i wanna juts sleep when i come home. and this happens all the time. and now i am sittin and typin and feelin that i'm gonna fall down asleep, even though i just dragged maself outta bed. and i did that anly because i hav ma trainin. am i sick in some way???????? bein soooo tired! hav no idea how i am gonna make this week..... with all the exams.....

oh, great i am sick. ma fever is 37.7. just perfect! besides that i hav depression.

sucha fuckin feelin inside... like i got smth wrong.... i wanted that but it's not that what i REALLY NEED ..... smth that duzn wanna leave me.... smth that makes me sinkin in the sea of depressin memoriz.... like it's just closin eyes, watchin lonely light in a dark room, listenin to songz which remind.... is that fair?????? i am usin and i am used... it makes me feel so fuckin wrong! like i live smonez else life, not mine.... like i'm hurryin with some things.... damn, and i dont hav time to think about what i am doin and why..... time'z so fast... cant stop it.... wud like to return to ma past, to change ma destiny..... tryin to do it now, but still it s impossible..... god, why?!
wanna look back to all those people i hav ever had in ma life for a second or for years, tryin to understand what is happenin to me. why i feel like bein fake.....
wanna a pause in this runnin time.....

1st of march!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! itz spring!!!!!!! duzn matter tha itz snowy, but still!!!!!! the sun is shinin, and ....... gooood, itz spring, god damn!

received ma pics from ma friend. pics which r made in riga ma home.
damn, i hate ma memoriz. hate them bcz i feel now that i was really happy in ma past only. z tha good??????? no.
i remember those straight roads leading somewhere. i could go all the time. i met there no one. i was laughing there with ma closest friends. almost like ma sis and broz. 2 guyz and one girl. it was ma real home.
i remember small streets, where i got from big ones. i could find smth there. smth unknown and forbidden. e.g. a phylosophic look on the sky. or smth else. i culd laugh that policy is chasin us. hah.....
i was there. i was the real me then. i didn wanna play any role. as same i don wanna do that now. i had those ppl who did really understand me. my style. ma words, ma world. i had there ppl who love me. and now they r too far away. and it didn bother me that i lose ma friends. fake ones. those 3 helped me. we helped each otha.
i lived with no troubles. i didn care bout wha ma parents r sayin. they didn bother me. i know, it looks like i am that type of person who duzn love parents, but it 's not truth. i did wat i want.
it was ma world, which is not crashin, no way, but i lose that. it wasn innocent. had no rulez. was bit weird.
now, i live in the place i don like. place where i have to be like other ppl. i hav to play. i know, i'm a good actress but i cant live ma life bein someone else.!!!!!!!! i know, i'm changin, gettin angrier. but one ma streak i will neva lose - ma weirdness (the most important in me), ma confidence in life, in maself.
whaz the result? i hav fake happiness. i hav good friends, but they r too far away. they cant rally support me, when i feel fuckin bad. they say they do. i trust, but i need smth else. to be nearer. it s not too much, but at the moment its impossible. shit. i kinda hav big love story, but it seems to be ended. i don hav a "prince" here. but the problem is - i don wanna search. i'm trying to wait.
do i need much? a life like in the past, with no troublez and worriz. i need those summers. i need smiles. it s not too much at the first sight. but it s too difficult to wait for that.....

ye, finally i'm in riga. never home, around with friends. and the weather duzn really bother, but it's still not summer. yea, i'm happy now.

today is that type of day which is the rarest - i'm happy. ppl say i'm shinin, it makes them hav that lil bit of my happiness. i dunno why, whaz happened to me. but when i look in the mirror i dont see maself - i see a lil sun lookin at me. who r u, dear?
i 'm thinkin of smth and eatin chocolate. lookin forward to tomorrow. yep...
i'm happy. and i dunno why. think itz the best way of bein glad, bcz if u know particular reason of havin this condition u know it can jus fade somehow, but i dunno the reason, so i cant be afraid of itz damagin

feeling so bitchy today. think it z not great. :PPP but still. they r serious, i'm smiling and thinking some crap. and smiling again. barbie bein. dunno.

The haze of silence
Is coming through the night
Like as it was in the morning
When nothing was seen outside
I closed my eyes,
I knew u waited for it
I heard, I came beside
U kissed me and flapped the door

I was just laughing at myself
I was just hanging in a loop of air
U went away I did nothing
Does it mean I lost my love?
Nothing to bring in
Nothing in my heart

Pieces of my memories

My life is just like some old movie-
So funny and so sad
I have u, and I'm happy
I hope it will be till the end.

U know, I was really childish
I was playing with my feelings
And u always are so understanding
Thank u, for saving my dreams

Those pieces of memories
Like puzzle I lost sometime
U found it and u gave it to me
Thank u, I'm now alive

Now, I can remember
The nights under the moon
Like all the stars in the heaven
Were shining down for me n u

Now, I can imagine
That I have those wings
For flying back to memories
I want to see