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miksi kaikki kaunis tahtoo elää ja kuolla?

katselen kuvia, meidän perheestä.siitä jonka jätin, jätän. jätän paraikaa. katselin meidän tyttöjen kasvoja. niin iloisia niin suloisia. niin täydellisiä.

en niin mitenkään haluaisi tappaa mitään niin kaunista. kuin hymy niiden kasvoilla.


elämässä rakkaus välillä tahtoo elää ja kuolla.
mun täytyy rakastaa nää elämät roskiin
mun sydän on pauhaava kuin kuohuva koski.



was feeling sad. todays my birthday. i'm here at my sisters, with my blood family. but i'm alone, in my life. now. nobody is waiting for me at home. nobody. i've broken his heart. but i should not blame myself. that's the way life goes sometimes. it's neigter good or bad.

he broke my spirit. now i need to heal it. i can't love him with this spirit anymore. he has broken it one too many times. thats the tuth, sad but true. i'll never stop loving those girls of his tho. and that's what hurts the most. and they love me. never wanna let them down. i allways wannabe there to tuck them in when they go to bed. read their bedtimestory. listen to their stories. their endless stories and imagination. and i love them, and it shouldnt end. it hurts. its like i have to walk away from my own children, imagine that you mothers and fathers out there. if you just had to walk out of your childs life. you just had to. cos they really werent yours on paper.


yeah.. i have to heal.. thats just it. i cant stay in that family and function. i would loose my mind, literally. and then i wouldn't be good for anybody. i would loose my life. and Fabi yes i remember the good things, i remember how it felt. i remember when i layed against you, in your arms and i didnt care for the world cos i was there, in your arms. it felt safe. then it did.

but i cant feel that safety anymore. cos i know you'll brake it. sooner or later it will happen, just like it has on regular basis for the last 2,5 years. i have spoke to you about that. you promised to change but you didn't. you can't.

so i have to get out, while i still might be able to save myself. sorry Fabi, sorry girls. the dream you had we shared. but i can't live there anymore. i have a fragile spirit that needs real safety. i hope i can find that, but i know that i can't find it with you Fabi. i hope you guys find it too. safety and peace.

damn girls i love you. don't you forget that, don't you loose yourselves or your faith. you have an amaizing life a head of you. im so sad that i can't be apart of it. i'm still hoping that i can be some part of it atleast. but i know that it would be really hard to keep that established trust and love that i have gained with you now. it's hard to keep it if we don't live with each other. im so sorry for it. you don't know how sorry.

you need stability in you life. you haven't even turned 6 and 4 yet and you have already experienced 2 broken familys. 2 broken homes. oh my god what i wouldnt do for you guys to not to have to experience that. love you too much, theres too much love in this tricky situation.